Feeling a bit like Beatrix

Honeymals - Some of our pets are more photogenic than others and personally, I play favorites. The first being my very playful and sweet dog, Fendi, who isn't a stranger in this blog. He's always so happy to see me,  jumping around no matter how late I come home from work or school. Next to my dog are my chirpy budgies, Dean and Colette, in their beautiful, very rarely ruffled, teal and yellow feathers.

The rest are just dumped in a "Oh gee, I hope they last long." "Oh, they died already? Well, it's a bit longer than the last one..." set. My sister is past her baby bunny phase and has moved on to guinea pigs. (Thank God, for so many bunnies have come to die in this household!) The guinea pigs squeak and they don't stink as much but good lord, can they eat or what?! They also popcorn, so I'm pretty excited for when the pig begins to do that. Now, it's basically just a white furball squeaking for spinach tops or a carrot. I really, really, really hope this one lives long enough to get a new friend. (As I have whittled down her pets to just one per purchase because they never last.)

PS. The Beatrix reference is from a book I recently read. The heroine, Beatrix, is very fond of animals. I believe she actually prefers the company of her four-legged friends much more than that of talking bi-peds. We can't really blame her now, can we? How can you resist this kind of cuteness?

I'm ready for you, 2012.

2011. To put it simply, 2011 wasn't a good year for me. In the words of a wise aunt, it was a year full of heartaches. Indeed, it was. Looking back, it seems that my losses far outweigh my gains. I seem to have cruised through the year juggling crippling disappointments in one hand and little joys in the other. Then again, a year past is a year past, and I have learned a lot this year in ways both big and small.

Fair warning: If you have limited time, watch this video instead. It is much more worthwhile than the word vomit you're about to read.

Here are 11 things I learned in 2011:

1. People are just that, people. They are susceptible to flaws, to likes and dislikes, to prejudices, and to weakness in character. Sometimes, the people you look up to will let you down. I learned that I can't really count on people to stay on my side forever. Sometimes, they think they have a second chance at love and will jump right into it, head first, propriety thrown to the wind, without thinking about the people around them or to how they (should not!) behave.  Sometimes, I may just be not liked for the sake of being not likeable (I kinda am because, as an officemate put it, I am seem suplada). That is okay, too. Actually, that is better. I'd rather have that any day.

The redeeming factor of the people around me is that sometimes, people will surprise you as well. When the chips are down and you have no one to look up to or turn to, there will be people who will come through for you, which is why I won't really give up on myself or on people, in general. Kind souls wander the earth, it's just up to me to find them. This year, I am especially happy about the adults in my family, in that I am fortunate enough to have a handful of good ones always there to guide me or help out even if it's not their responsibility.

2. The past will spring itself on you randomly so it's important to be good and kind. Very recently, I found out I was working in the same organization as an old classmate of mine. I see him around once in a while. We don't greet each other but a part of me deeply regrets that I wasn't a better friend when we were in high school or even when we went to the same university for college. On hindsight, I dealt with (very badly) a lot of my insecurities during my high school and college life and in the process, I forgot to make amends or be really nice, in general. I don't know how he's doing right now but I certainly wish him well.

3. Consistency is just as important as brilliance or hard work. In 2011, I found myself taking the passive and sometimes, the flaky seat in everything I did--work, school, relationships.  I learned later this year that inconsistency is like brewing poison. Sooner or later, it will overflow and the first person who'll catch a whiff will be the very person who brewed it. Next year and in the years after that, I should be consistent in everything I do: Go big or go home, no matter how I'm feeling. (And, of course, I must never pick home or medicines--since I was very sickly this year.)

4. When the stock goes bad, it has to be sold. I am a big fan of holding out and holding on but life doesn't really give you much of a choice in this matter. When something you hold on to starts being bad for you, you have to let go. Food, we have to re-align our relationship in 2012. My obsession for you isn't healthy anymore. Of course, this also applies to bigger things such as relationships that just won't work or mutual understandings that will forever be stuck at a standstill. 

5. It's important to save, save, save for the rainy days. This goes hand in hand with number four. While I am not like most girls who spend their monthly income on gadgets, parties or clothes, I do spend a lot on books and food. I'm already 21 and if I really want to follow through with my Big Relocation Plans for My Adult Life, I should start saving up.

6. You will never know the cards you'll draw and how long you'll be keeping them. This April, we happily celebrated my grandmother's birthday. She had a birthday cake that said 18, and she was laughing because it was such a silly cake. Months later, she was lying in a hospital bed, so weak and so frail from all the tests they had to do. This made me realize that I should really make it a point to be there for the people in my life more, especially the more senior ones and of course, the little monster in our household. Just kidding, Bemmy!

My sister, if you still don't know by now, is the light of my life. She currently occupies that place my father once had in my heart and every day, I am delighted to see how she's growing up into a bright, sprightly little girl with her funny jokes, her little notes and yes, even her temper that can rival mine (but I hope to God and all his glory, not our mother's). I'm happy that we were fortunate enough to spend time with each other a lot this year. While my heart breaks a little whenever I think of all the fun things she won't be able to do with our Papa anymore, I'm really happy that I can take her out on little outings or to buy her toys. I won't be able to fill our dad's shoes but I can at least help her have a happy childhood.

7. Our relationships with people won't always stay the same. I built closer and deeper relationships with some very cool people this year and I also drifted away (sometimes unknowingly, sometimes by circumstance, sometimes because of relocation, sometimes because I just don't like them anymore) from others. I'm very thankful for all the great friends I have made this year and for those who I have been fortunate enough to know better. Sometimes, the girls who look and act the snobbiest are the girls who are most fun. Also, meek looking guys are sometimes wolves in sheep's clothing. Ladies, your shot guns should be locked and loaded. This year, I also learned that there are no awkward or boring moments with true friends even if you haven't seen each other in months or even in a year. That was a nice realization. 

8. I learned that we really do waste it when we're young. Shitty years are also years of so much introspection, which is obvious in every blogger-having-a-shitty-year's posts. I realized that I could have made so much use of my time when I was younger. I could have tried harder in learning and mastering a foreign language, I could have been braver in starting a life elsewhere, so many I could have beens. Something has to be done about that in 2012. We will start with school and work. :)

9. This year, I also learned that it's alright to have poor choices and to own up to it. I made quite a few bad decisions that I would have not made had I known how the rest of my world will turn out afterwards. Then again, if I hadn't done these things, I wouldn't know any better. I will also not know that I am but a speck in this universe. My woes do not even amount to an iota of real life tragedies. I should always be grateful for shallow problems but of course, I stress over them all the time.

8. On a happier note, 2011 is also a year of reading, cooking and baking. It's not just losing, weeping and generally, failing at all things this year. I have had the time to read leisurely but interestingly, I don't have a  Best Book I've Read in 2011. I don't know why but I really want to be a great cook so I'm glad I had a lot of chances to be better in the kitchen this year.  Although honestly, I think I just started an unhealthy addiction to Knorr seasoning (my father won't let me touch the stuff when he was alive) and to romance novels set in 18th/19th century Europe. (*gasps* OH NOOO!) 

10. Beauty is pain. I have the beauty regimen of a genetically blessed, 7ft tall Russian model, in that I get up and go in the morning without any thought or regard to the way I look and to the terror my bare face, unkempt hair and baby whale build brings to humanity. My friends Kat and Rach tell me I have to do something about this. I might but as a perennial lazy ass, I'm not even sure where or how to start. Then again, this is such a shallow learning. I am so sorry the past two numbers are a waste of YOUR time.

11. Lastly, I learned that growing older and wiser is a choice you have to make. I have learned that life's worst tragedies may force a person to step-up, set their priorities straight and be better, in general, but this does not mean that everyone who struggle comes out better. People can always sink lower or be stuck in the rut that they got into. The people who succeed in getting away from baggage chose to get away. It is a slow process and it takes hard work but I am around so many of these people that I know it IS possible. This year, I learned the true definition of priorities and how a myopic life view can be a person's downfall. I wouldn't want that for myself. Thank God, I have all of 2012 and the years after to work on it.

What are the things you've learned in 2011? Kudos for surviving the year and if you had an especially rough and tough year like I did, I hope you come out of 2012 shining. You deserve it. Cheers! Happy New Year.

Oh Octopus, a new year awaits.

Love,

Reisha

The proof of the pudding

I realized my entries are a little heavy so let's have a bit of "light reading". Let me give you one reason why I love being in school again: I like it because it pushes me to be better. You know how it's so easy to want things and how it's very, very easy to dream about being this and that? It is, no? But really, how many people follow through and do the groundwork? Exactly. I also like that I can never (probably, will never) be complacent in grad school. There are always so many things I have to work on and every class is a reminder for improvement.

Truth be told, I don't think I'm at the level where I'm supposed to be but the mere fact that I enjoy being in class (despite the equivalent strain grad school brings to say, finances or work) means my learning is going somewhere (I hope to God it is). What I like best about graduate school is that I get to learn so many valuable things from such great people. My teacher, for one, gave sage advice for us who are pursuing further studies. Sure, these are related to our academic concerns (the first one for a published dissertation, the next one on a competitive master's program and the third, for presenting a paper without an outline or a thesis in an international conference) but I thought they're great stuff we could all apply in our lives.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

I've always believed that anything worth doing is not worth doing badly.

It is so easy to earn a reputation for crap but it is not easy to live it down. 

Then, I have my classmates who are all awesome in their own way. It's a little disturbing how we're always together in and out of class (or is that my loner tendencies talking?) but I find it nice that we all make an effort to build a relationship with one another, no matter how different we all are. We're currently in that phase where a lot of us quit our old work and have started new jobs, so some of us (like my friend Rach!) get to buy celebratory desserts after a rigorous three (sometimes, three and a half) hour class.  (This time, we just finished a three hour and a half discussion on Quants! Quantitative methods! Homoscedasticity! The Central Limit Theorem! Hehe, I enjoyed it though.) 

We had our weekly Friday chicken dinner at Manang's.  One distinct trait of this group is that we have a propensity for eating so much chicken. I, being a big chicken fan myself, like that the structure was shaped that way (O, YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) If you're a weekend market fan, you'd know that Manang's is a famous stall in Mercato. They sell fried chicken coated with a special sauce (in original, spicy and some other thing. I usually just stick to the original, it's sweet and it tastes like soy garlic). I like Manang's better than Bon Chon but honestly, not better than Flaming Wings because the thick coating could use a little work. Anyway, eating at Manang's is cheap. A meal is only a little over 120 pesos and it makes for a satisfying dinner. Try it yourself! ;)

Then, we moved to Starbucks for even more talking over coffee and cakes. It was great. Although sometimes, I think Starbucks is the Meralco of coffee shops, in that the charges are steep but we all avail of the services anyway.  

I really hope I get to be where my teachers are right now (On an IR level, of course. My teachers are really accomplished but still super cool! Although, I can't really talk about them extensively because they have incredible Google and Twitter-fu and it would be awkward in real life.) For now, I'm trying to figure out how to balance school and work better. There must be a system I haven't worked out just yet. After all, anything worth doing is not worth doing badly. ;)

Let me leave you with a funny clip from 30 Rock about graduate students:

Honestly, I don't even know if it's a satire or not. It can bring out the worst in people, or you know, the crazy. But it works, so hey! :)

The Other Benjamin

I really like this picture of my grandparents that my cousin posted. My grandmother is 84 today but one of the things I love to do when I'm at her house is to look at their photo albums. The whole family wore such great clothes in the years past. My favorites are pictures from the fifties to the seventies because they were such colorful photos. My father and his siblings wore loud prints that clashed, bell-bottoms and those nifty aviator Raybans. It was a happy time. I loved those pictures. 

I never got to meet my grandfather. He died when my dad was in his early twenties. I've heard a lot of great stories about him, people say he's a lot like my dad in that they look alike and they had the same gentle demeanor. I hear my Grandpa was, like my dad, also quite a fan of skincare products and smart dressing. He must have been a remarkable man. I can tell my father loved him dearly with the way he's always telling stories about him or what life was like when his dad was still around. I know he idolized him a lot. Once, on a book run (I used to make my Papa buy books I read for fun on any given weekend), my father was very pleased to find out I had Sinatra songs on my shuffle. He told me these songs were his dad's songs, and then he kept singing along until we got home. That was a very nice moment between Ben, Benjie, and I.  

It will be December in a few hours. I lost my dad on a Thursday in December, two years ago. It was five days before my birthday and our conversations that day were simple but great, from what gift would I like to have (I said a Blackberry, he said, "Okay."), my plans after graduation (I only had a term left, he was so excited because he wanted me to go law school or take master's), and if I'd like to invite family over on my birthday (my uncle told me later on that he was in fact looking for crabs to cook on my birthday, they're my favorite so I know finding mud crabs in December is very hard). I still don't know what went wrong that day but I now know how to turn the switch off when I begin thinking about it. 

You don't really forget the pain, you just learn how to live through it. Later on, I will find out that this valuable lesson is applicable to everything in life. You live through things. Nothing is ever that big of a deal because you can and will carry on. I never really imagined that he would never see me grow older or be the person he always wanted me to be, which is why I like this picture of my Grandpa. 

I'd like to think this is how my Papa would've looked like had he grown older, same bushy eyebrows and that very friendly face. He is, after all, my grandfather's junior. Hello, Benjamins. I hope you're both enjoying heaven. 

Girls and their blogs

There is a lot of talk about girls who blogged (or tweeted) about the recent hostage fiasco and the online shitstorm they're taking for their thoughts. For clarity, I do not agree with what they've said or posted. As a veteran of all things online, I'm just sorry they had to learn this lesson the hard way. As for me, I'm glad I'm way past that phase in my life--searching for who I am and want I want, learning which thoughts to give out and what to filter. Oh, it is so daunting and at times, terrifying. The bane of our generation is that we're given a bigger platform to express ourselves and when we do, there comes a time when we forget our boundaries. We feel so powerful and limitless, only to be taken aback by the huge backlash that comes after a short period of peace. I believe we call it social media suicide right now? Yes.

I think we're all allowed to make mistakes, inorder to build ourselves and make us better people. I have a lot, a few of them more cringe-worthy than most people. When I was fourteen, I didn't know who I was so I tried to pattern myself after people I admire. I refused to admit to it then because I was an arrogant teenager, but I did. It was such a struggle. I wanted to make myself like myself a little bit more, to the point of annoying everyone around me and even those who didn't know me. This vicious cycle continued until I went to college, where the pressure to be cool was even higher than when I was in high school. Everybody had a group, everybody wanted to be liked. Everybody wanted to fit in. I was guilty of stereo-typing myself into the typical college girl, even if I knew I was so much more than that. I still did. I don't know why, but I did. I guess I wanted to fit in so badly that I allowed myself to be stupid, even if I knew I was so much more than that. Back then, I felt that a constructed image of myself was so much better than the real version. I was very immature. Firing off thoughts here and there that I will never be caught saying now that I am older, doing things I know I should not have done. All for posterity. All for "friends". All for being "cool". The repercussions of my actions will always be something I have to live with. That's the end-game, the curse of youth. The bargain in exchange for my learning lessons I have surely learned the hard way. Today, I am the way I want myself to be. I can't please everybody but I like myself a little better. All original, no thoughts to copy, fights to answer to or parties to go to. I have learned that social-climbing/networking/fitting in/whatever-you-want-to-call-the-struggle-of-being-accepted is so complex that the best (and only) way to ward it off is to stop trying altogether. One day, these girls will too. They will shed off that "Love me or Hate me" attitude and become their own person.

I've seen the posts, I've seen the mocking. People aren't really kind online. In fact, being unreachable has given all of us the excuse to be vicious. Unforgiving. The ease of commenting anonymously allows us to be self-righteous even if no one is squeaky clean. These girls are young. They will say things they don't really mean before they realize it is too late to undo anything. It'll take them a few more years to realize the gravity of what they have done. I'm sure a few jolts of reality has crept up on them right now but it'll take them time to fully wrap their head around things. When that time comes, I'm sure they will feel remorse. I just wish these people who keep on taunting these girls would just take time to give them good advice. Something they can learn from, written in a cordial way. Instead of rage, why not show some pity? Some compassion? Cut them some slack, please. And if the urge of mocking or retaliating comes, give them a piece of your mind through teaching them. Do not mock. We wish for a better world, afterall. A happier Philippines. Well, a happy Philippines needs positivity. They are young girls, they still have a lot to learn. Don't we all?

The Dreamers

What? I'm not going out to party on a friday? Yeah, well you're in the wrong blog. I'm pretty much reclusive and would rather spend my night alone in my room, reading Franny and Zooey in the memory of JD Salinger and giving in to my inner Francophile by watching french films.

1. The Dreamers (2008) because I live vicariously through Eva Green in this movie. I think I can convincingly say that twins Theo and Isabelle have surpassed the almighty powers of Julio and Julia, ang kambal ng tadhana. (Hahaha. What the fuck?!) They are smart, sensual and very, very, very disturbing. I love Isabelle's two personas, the quotes she blurts out of the blue and her sensuality that follows her from the fresh morning to the lusty velvet night skies. I won't blog about Michael Pitt except for the fact that he's a sub-par version of lovely Leonardo DiCaprio. Then again, casting the original choice would mean taking the spotlight away from the brooding, mysterious, enchanting Louis Garrel--who is the real gem of this movie.
2. The Dead Poets Society (1989) because I have a thing for expansive (and expensive) education. Movies like this make me wish I wasn't born in the third world and had a chance to attend an expensive prep school. The kind that has Archery in the middle of the woods on a Wednesday, the kind whose students form relationships with boys from the only prep school 300 miles in the vicinity. I love Professor Keating, there are so many pockets of wisdom I can pick on in this movie. Yes, that includes cliches. Just like my writing. Just like myself.